First off, who knew I would miss blogging. I guess I’m now
an official blogger and not just a random online keeper of a personal journal!
Secondly. America! I've been back for about a month and a
half. So it is no surprise to anyone that I am home. And frankly, if you read
my last couple posts, you knew I was back. But anyway… I’m back! Good old ‘Merica.
I wanted to do a “what’s it been like readjusting” post the first week I got
home. To be honest, I just didn't have enough to say. However, I've been
pondering it lately. I now believe I have a good assessment and therefore a
good topic to discuss.
Johann and I landed in America. We had a layover at LAX
before coming home to Colorado. So we were sprinting around LAX (which by the way
was a serious mess…) and we both stopped, realizing we were in America! And all
I could say was, “Wow, there are a lot of white people and English here…” Yeah,
not the most poetic or inspirational thought ever. But then I was back in Colorado.
I had lunches, brunches, and dinners with family and friends over series of
days. I went to the DMV the second day I was home to get a new license due to
some lovely people in Barcelona. That didn't really help me love America right
away, as you can imagine. I unpacked, wore clothes I didn't carry around in a
backpack, relaxed for a bit before jumping back into the full swing of things,
and all the other things you can think of that happened. I repeated stories for
a while before people stopped asking, which was to be expected. Life kept
moving on.
Eventually, I took my parents to the airport to go to
Alaska. My first summer in Colorado in fourteen years! Dexter, Razo, and I
settled into this big house for the summer. I planted a garden, which is
actually sprouting things! Who knew! I got a horrible sunburn to start off
living on my own, which resulted in numerous hours of a 102.7 fever and a quick
rescue situation from my aunt. I started
rock climbing the day I was told I was allowed to do so. I've been grocery
shopping and actually eating full meals, which I’m being told is sign one of
success when living alone. I am maintaining a wonderful job that helps me learn
daily. Dexter has officially learned to sit and stay. Hummingbirds swirl around
my mountain house. Things are going well. All of that rant was to show you one
point: life kept going. And at first, that horrified me.
Life going on is generally a good thing! Why did this
horrify me, you ask? Here’s why. I’m sitting on my deck in the sunshine looking
at the mountains I grew up around. They haven’t changed. There was one day upon
returning where I felt like my experiences had shaped me. Then suddenly… they
went away. The memories of Spain were fading. The culture of China was becoming
distant. My visions of the Ireland scenery were blurry. What was happening!? I
was terribly sad because I couldn't believe life had just kept going, yet at
the same time, not. I felt like I jumped right back into where I was when I
left Colorado. Had I really done a life-changing trip? I felt like I was clinging
by my fingernails to memories. And for weeks (yes, multiple weeks) this really
upset me. I tearfully messaged Brian in China one night. After discussing Into the Woods for a while, I admitted
these feelings to him.
He responded by having me listen to “Giants in the Sky” from
the musical aforementioned. Then he said this…
“It is not a cloak of
many colors you wear that people can point to or that you can show off. It is
looking at a painting from a different perspective. It is seeing your
surroundings in a different light; the roseate folds of dusk and saw versus the
white of harsh noon or the eerie grey green of an approaching storm. You will
see things, say things, experience things differently from your experience. And
that is a gift. You wrote down more words, expressed more emotions, and took
more pictures (including more people in them) in the last 5 months than in the
entire previous 4 years. Tourists don’t know where they have been while travelers
don’t know where they are going."
I pondered this for a couple days. Life kept going. I
watched myself watching the world. He was right. I wasn't wearing my experiences
as a cloak of many colors. I was watching the world through the experiences. I’m
watching my dear friends experience life changing events all the time right
now. I guess I’m realizing that’s really how life works. We experience all
these things, gain perspective from other people, and then view the world
through the multi-colored stain glassed view we now possess. It’s wonderful and
shapes who we are as people. He’s right. That’s a gift. Those memories never
left and probably never will. I’ll always have them. I’m so glad I don’t know
where I’m going, and even more thankful that the kaleidoscope I daily look
through isn't complete yet.
I suggest listening to “Giants in the Sky” from a deeper perspective.
It’s quite beautiful. But I just want to
end this with a quote from it.
“When you’re way up high and you look below at the world you
left and the things you know, little more than a glance is enough to show you just
how small you are. When you’re way up high and you’re on your own in a world
like none that you've ever known, where the sky is lead and the earth is stone.
… And your heart is lead and your stomach stone and you’re really scared being
all alone… And it’s then that you miss all the things you've known and the
world you've left and the little you own… And you think of all of the things
you've seen, and you wish that you could live in between, and you’re back
again, only different than before, after the sky.”
