A Three-Year-Old's Love: Home

I asked a three year old the other day what she thought the word “love” meant. We were playing “Frozen.” She invented this game and is very diligent in this game. Here’s how it works. She is Elsa and I’m Anna. She freezes my heart which results in me falling to the ground in a dramatic form that varies depending on how energetic I am that day. After a minute, she walks over to me and fakes some tears over my frozen body. This, of course, leads to me “waking up” from the dead. The game always ends the same way: us hugging and her telling me she loves me. While the first few times melts my heart, (pun totally intended) come the 20^th time in an afternoon, I question how much this so claimed love really means to her. So I asked my favorite little ice queen what that word meant to her. She gave examples off the bat. “It’s like when Elsa loves Anna. It’s wanting ice cream. It’s like when I am nice to my baby sister.” But after some pushing she says in her best matter-of-fact voice, “Love is family, Becca.”

That stuck with me. Love is family? Oh boy… Because there are times where I’m positive that can’t be true. I let that phrase ring through my ears for a long time. Yes, I may have been pondering life too intensely based off a three-year-old’s musing. But eventually, I forgot about it. I've been set up in Colorado for the summer, but was fortunate enough to do some traveling around the States this summer as well. Some with family, some with friends.  However, my favorite of these trips has dropped me currently on a plane flying away from Alaska and once again alone with my thoughts.

I can proudly say I've been around the world. I've got serious gaps in seeing the entire world, but that will come with time. But it wasn't until I went back to McCarthy that I remembered where my heart truly lies. How could I have almost forgotten? My face almost tore from smiling when I saw my beloved valley. My heart happily beat in my chest seeing the people I love the most. My spirit was finally at peace. I did some amazing things like playing with float planes, ice climbing, swimming on glaciers, climbing underneath glaciers and such. I made new friends while kissing and hugging old friends.

But my favorite moment of the whole trip was sitting with Tessa, who, if you don’t know, is my sister from a past life that somehow got mixed up into another family. Fortunately, we found each other again in this life. We were sitting on a sunny day in downtown McCarthy just watching our little town hustle and bustle. I asked her what it was about this place that brought us back. Why did we love it? She casually responded, “Well, it’s where we can always go when everything is wrong. It just fixes our hearts and soul.” There. There it was. It’s as if I had always known this, but for some reason I had been searching for the words which finally unexpectedly found me. We discussed the power and comfort behind having this safe haven. A safe haven that will restore every ounce of your soul when you return from conquering the world. That is powerful.

It’s not just the place though. In fact, I’m continually wondering how the power balances between the people and the place. I’m not sure I’ll ever know. Because every day I walked around watching people I love. I was sitting around a campfire watching a group of people. People completely holding my heart stood in that circle laughing and enjoying life. Does one’s life get better?

Suddenly, my little ice queen’s words rang in my head. “Love is family.” She is so wise sometimes. However, I think as we get older we realize our family isn't always connected by blood. I've been so blessed with my wonderful blood relatives. I am not denying that. But I've also been so blessed with the best “family.” There is no other word for these people. “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.” I love these people and know they are part of my family. We did not grow up together, but that does not change it. These are the people who wake me from nightmares, who promise to just sit with me in my pain, who smile in my joy, who love my heart despite scars I know, without a shadow of a doubt, they will rejoice in happy times and help fix my heart in dark times. I pray they know the same goes for them.

I sometimes question my favorite three-year-old’s definition of love. I want so badly to show her that I love her. I want her to know I will respect her, join her in happy times, and also sit with her in dark times. But more than anything, I want her to know she will always have “family.” Where ever and who ever that family ends up being, I want her to know she is loved. I hope this goes as a reminder for you as well. I pray we never let those family members slip by us. Cherish and love them. Tell them. Show them every day. Let them help build you a safe haven that can restore your soul when you return from conquering the world. I can only thank God my safe haven does that for me. Smile and let the warmth of that love envelope you. It’s a beautiful thing. 

Giants in the Sky

First off, who knew I would miss blogging. I guess I’m now an official blogger and not just a random online keeper of a personal journal!

Secondly. America! I've been back for about a month and a half. So it is no surprise to anyone that I am home. And frankly, if you read my last couple posts, you knew I was back. But anyway… I’m back! Good old ‘Merica. I wanted to do a “what’s it been like readjusting” post the first week I got home. To be honest, I just didn't have enough to say. However, I've been pondering it lately. I now believe I have a good assessment and therefore a good topic to discuss.

Johann and I landed in America. We had a layover at LAX before coming home to Colorado. So we were sprinting around LAX (which by the way was a serious mess…) and we both stopped, realizing we were in America! And all I could say was, “Wow, there are a lot of white people and English here…” Yeah, not the most poetic or inspirational thought ever. But then I was back in Colorado. I had lunches, brunches, and dinners with family and friends over series of days. I went to the DMV the second day I was home to get a new license due to some lovely people in Barcelona. That didn't really help me love America right away, as you can imagine. I unpacked, wore clothes I didn't carry around in a backpack, relaxed for a bit before jumping back into the full swing of things, and all the other things you can think of that happened. I repeated stories for a while before people stopped asking, which was to be expected. Life kept moving on.

Eventually, I took my parents to the airport to go to Alaska. My first summer in Colorado in fourteen years! Dexter, Razo, and I settled into this big house for the summer. I planted a garden, which is actually sprouting things! Who knew! I got a horrible sunburn to start off living on my own, which resulted in numerous hours of a 102.7 fever and a quick rescue situation from my aunt.  I started rock climbing the day I was told I was allowed to do so. I've been grocery shopping and actually eating full meals, which I’m being told is sign one of success when living alone. I am maintaining a wonderful job that helps me learn daily. Dexter has officially learned to sit and stay. Hummingbirds swirl around my mountain house. Things are going well. All of that rant was to show you one point: life kept going. And at first, that horrified me.

Life going on is generally a good thing! Why did this horrify me, you ask? Here’s why. I’m sitting on my deck in the sunshine looking at the mountains I grew up around. They haven’t changed. There was one day upon returning where I felt like my experiences had shaped me. Then suddenly… they went away. The memories of Spain were fading. The culture of China was becoming distant. My visions of the Ireland scenery were blurry. What was happening!? I was terribly sad because I couldn't believe life had just kept going, yet at the same time, not. I felt like I jumped right back into where I was when I left Colorado. Had I really done a life-changing trip? I felt like I was clinging by my fingernails to memories. And for weeks (yes, multiple weeks) this really upset me. I tearfully messaged Brian in China one night. After discussing Into the Woods for a while, I admitted these feelings to him.

He responded by having me listen to “Giants in the Sky” from the musical aforementioned. Then he said this…

“It is not a cloak of many colors you wear that people can point to or that you can show off. It is looking at a painting from a different perspective. It is seeing your surroundings in a different light; the roseate folds of dusk and saw versus the white of harsh noon or the eerie grey green of an approaching storm. You will see things, say things, experience things differently from your experience. And that is a gift. You wrote down more words, expressed more emotions, and took more pictures (including more people in them) in the last 5 months than in the entire previous 4 years. Tourists don’t know where they have been while travelers don’t know where they are going."

I pondered this for a couple days. Life kept going. I watched myself watching the world. He was right. I wasn't wearing my experiences as a cloak of many colors. I was watching the world through the experiences. I’m watching my dear friends experience life changing events all the time right now. I guess I’m realizing that’s really how life works. We experience all these things, gain perspective from other people, and then view the world through the multi-colored stain glassed view we now possess. It’s wonderful and shapes who we are as people. He’s right. That’s a gift. Those memories never left and probably never will. I’ll always have them. I’m so glad I don’t know where I’m going, and even more thankful that the kaleidoscope I daily look through isn't complete yet.

I suggest listening to “Giants in the Sky” from a deeper perspective. It’s quite beautiful.  But I just want to end this with a quote from it.

“When you’re way up high and you look below at the world you left and the things you know, little more than a glance is enough to show you just how small you are. When you’re way up high and you’re on your own in a world like none that you've ever known, where the sky is lead and the earth is stone. … And your heart is lead and your stomach stone and you’re really scared being all alone… And it’s then that you miss all the things you've known and the world you've left and the little you own… And you think of all of the things you've seen, and you wish that you could live in between, and you’re back again, only different than before, after the sky.” 

As Always, the Adventure Continues

I've thought about this post for months. I figured it would be easy because of that one reason. And somehow I still find myself lost for words. I've collected ideas for this post for MONTHS! And I still am feeing totally dumbfounded. But, I'll give it a shot. 

I've reached the end. I'm sitting on the plane. I say "the" plane because I'm writing this over a three-legged journey. Shanghai-Beijing-Los Angeles-Denver. Just in case you don't know, Denver is in America. Which would be where this journey began. Who knew I'd actually come home? Didn't see that one coming! I suppose I did in some aspect. Yet, it still hit me as a shock this morning as I packed. But as I said, I have had a plan for this post for a long time now. God forbid I stray from the plan now! 

The last two days Johann and I spent in Shanghai. We had a dinner with Cheryl to say farewell. Quite possibly the best.... No, hands down the best burgers I've ever had in my life. And they were buy one, get one! Then the next day, Johann and I revisited our favorite spots in Shanghai, to say farewell. We began looking for the dumpling place Brian took us for breakfast. We never did find it and setted for a little cafe place. Then we went back to the market and practiced bargaining. I conquered my fear and always knocked prices down at least 80%. I finally said we had to leave if we were going to save our budget at all. Incredibly fun- once you get used to it. 

We wandered around for hours afterwards. Then, after a quick nap, went to the Bund to enjoy the night lights. I had read about a hidden rooftop bar that was supposed to have great views. It was above a hostel which meant that the environment was relaxed and all tourists. But the view was five stars. An interrupted view of the lights across the river. Sparkling lights glimmered across the darkened water. Boats slowed as if to show off their decorated lighting. People crowded on the sidewalk. Everyone wanted to be in the perfect weather and soak in the beauty. We sat on our perch listening to the many languages intermingle into one behind us. We toasted to a great month and the perfect send off from China. The clinks of glasses were drowned by the promise: "Until next time China." 

Ironically, I totally strayed from the plan already. My plan was for this to just be a "reflective" post. ... I guess they all are, huh? But long term reflective. But here's why I strayed from the plan. Sitting on that rooftop bar, it was like I watched a movie of the last couple months. I started thinking about it, and man, what a trip this has been! 

It started over a year ago. Sitting in my kitchen dreading college, I told my dad I wanted to take a year off. I had no idea where that would lead. Then a few months later, I was suppressing tears on a doctor's examination table. Months delay on a single year trip?! No. It couldn't be! I remember trying to get a grip. "It is going to be okay." "It's happening for a reason." Everyone's words echoed through my ears. I went that day to the Flatirons, found a quiet spot over looking gorgeous Boulder and the blue skies. I let myself cry. Then I figured out how I would make the best of it. A few weeks, one surgery, and a lot of physical therapy, I had done it. And I'd even made the best of it. I'd used the time to make connections with people I never would have otherwise. People who changed my life and made me a better person. I got to spend time with my family that wouldn't have happened. I even was able to spend Christmas at home and New Year's with my favorite little girls. I would have never ever planned it that way, but it was better than I could have ever imagined. Man, life is beautiful. 

January 6th I was sitting on a plane, wishing I hadn't planned this stupid trip. How could I do this by myself? But I landed in Zürich nonetheless. Florian walked in, picked up my bag, and walked back out. Off we went. Over the next couple weeks I was fortunate enough to get to know my Swiss family more than I ever have before. I spent days exploring with Tommy, the ultimate tour guide. I spent hours upon hours talking with Sarah about everything from baking to love to Chemistry- the subject, not related to love! Dinners let me get to know Sigmund more than I ever had before. Man, life is beautiful. 

If you had asked me January 5th if I'd be at the Orthodox New Year in Serbia, I would have laughed. But there I was. Fireworks rained down on my estatic smile. My new friends stood around me. I explored monasteries in Serbia as the sun lit up the gorgeous green rolling hills. I spent time meeting David and Alex and making new friends that gathered me into their homes like a lifelong friend. Man, life is beautiful. 

I can't remember exactly, but I think Florian and I had a day in between Serbia and our next adventure. I can't even fathom how to sum up this adventure. Chills consumed me standing in the Westminster Abbey. My eyes widened in excitement at the Tower of London. Ireland... My goodness. Beauty that is unsurpassable. Singing and dancing in the car as the ocean waves crashed against the shore next to us. Exploring castles on the ocean front. Standing on a cliffside letting violent wind whip tears off my face as my heart was being mended by breathing in fresh air and salty water. Seeing the heart break in graffiti on the walls of people fighting for what they believe. But more than all those amazing moments, making incredible bonds with cousins I had never talked to before. Letting the same cousins whisk me off to ice cream in order to stop the tears in Dublin. Crawling through a "rainbow" and bursting into tears on the other end. The long conversations, the debates, the laughter. Man, life is beautiful. 

Sitting on the plane to Spain, I felt oddly peaceful. I wasn't nervous or, truthfully, over excited. I just was ready. At least I thought I was. But I wasn't. I had no idea the effect Spain would have on me. My heart, my soul, my entire being changed. I studied a language that connected me to, I'm convinced, some of the best people on this planet. The family that opened their arms to me are, in my eyes, part of my family now. Arturo and Elisa taught me about love, trust, life, and so much more. They gave me a world of opportunities that I can never thank them for. The long talks with Teresa, the laughter, the tears, the love. The beauty Spain holds. The sun, the snow, the beaches, the sand, the trees, the mountains, the cliffs. The fun Spain can offer. The culture, traditions! But more importantly, the new home I found. I can't believe how at home I felt. It's a different thing when you stumble upon a home when you're meant to be traveling. The peace that comes with it makes it all worth it. Man, life is beautiful. 

China was different because I didn't feel ready, and I sure wasn't ready. Every aspect of life in China was different. As you've learned, I try to be honest on this blog. China took me a lot longer to adapt to than any other part of this trip. It was hard. But finally I just sighed and realized I had to accept the upside down world I'd found myself in. It became a lot easier once that was done. But what really helped was the people I was with. Are you sensing a theme here? The Great Wall, the Terra-cotta soldiers, dangling off Huashan Mountain, all the temples, they don't compare to the people I met. The memories I made with my family and new friends will be what made China amazing. Shanghai breezes on a sunny day. The smiles and surprise from people as we explored the small villages. The nights in Ningbo. The joking conversations and the serious conversations as we watched the beauty of HuaShan Mountain develop in front of us. Man, life is beautiful. 

Have you ever looked at yourself and realized the pieces from other people culminates into you? Here's what I mean. From birth, we are influenced. Everyday we interact in any form with another human, we are influenced. Each person interprets these influences differently which is makes humans unique individuals. So it's like a stew for people. We walk down the halls of life's supermarket and say, "Ooo this guy introduced me to polka dancing (realistic example, I know) and now I'm going to add that to my person." A little bit of sugar, a little bit of spice. And a stew is made. Sometimes those influences come from the most random places as well. I think about this often because, due to the seasonal lifestyle, I've had numerous people who I've spent a few months with, they add an entirely new perspective on things, and then they're gone. Some I stay in contact with, some I don't. Some I wish I stayed in contact with, while some I'm glad are gone. And frankly, that's just life. 

I'm sitting on my last leg of this journey home. Los Angeles to Denver. Before I left everyone told me I'd come back a different person. In someways, I don't think so. But in other ways, of course I am. Because I made connections with people. Some connections were with all my heart and some were just short term fun. But the connection is there nonetheless. So the influences were made and I am now a different person. But the main ideas haven't changed. I've learned a little more about patience, love, heartbreak, strength, courage, prayer, and the ability to empathize with people no matter what. Because in the end you have something in common: you're both humans. So I've learned a lot. I pray I've become stronger. My heart has extended to the corners of the earth and I'm so thankful for the opportunities and family I now have in my heart.

I was worried my last day in Shanghai about being home and feeling my heart be torn in two. The response I received from my dad was perfection. "Yes I do know. A torn heart is common for people who are truly alive because they recognize that there is more than one happiness and often both cannot be had at the same time. So they begin to learn how to choose, enjoy the current moment, glory in the past ones and anticipate the coming ones without dwelling - too much - on what will be missed." But my heart does not need to be torn. I'll come back. I'll see my family in Switzerland again. I'll see my family in Spain again. I'll see my family in China again. I'll carry the memories and influences on my heart and use them to become a stronger and yet more lovig person. This is not the end. As always, someday... No. Not someday, tomorrow, the adventure continues. 

The Reason for Silly String

"People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou 

*** 

Endings are a strange event. This isn't "THE END" post. That'll come yet. But I believe this is the "end of China" post. I know I've said this, but I mean it. I had kind of forgotten an end would actually happen to this escape from reality. Nonetheless, I had a going away dinner last night. 

Johann and I spent Saturday ... Goodness I don't remember. We did something. Oh! I baked mostly. Johann and Dave made a trip into Liaou for some fruit and veggies. Then we had a spectacular steak dinner at Brian's. The night ended watching Wall-e. I had never seen it. Adorable. I can't believe I've missed out for years. 

Sunday. Packing day. I'm making my strong brother carry the souvenirs. It's working out well. But before all this, Dave and I made a big breakfast for everyone. I was sous chef, which also meant I was in charge of music. I went for the ultimate Pandora station. "80's Throwback/90's Comeback." Thanks to the SEAG crew last year for introducing me to this. It is probably needless to say it was a dance party while making breakfast. Then packing. 

Apparently packing really took it out of me because I took a couple hour long nap. I woke up to a barrage of messages from Brian. "Come downstairs." "Wake up!" "Wakey wakey" I looked around. Everyone had left. Sure enough, in the  middle of the street outside the apartment, base camp had been set up. Ed, Eddie, Brian, and Ryan, (read those names four time fast) and our family were sprawled over the street. Some in chairs, some just on the ground. I brought some more chairs down. And for the next few hours, that's where we stayed. 

Some more people came and went. Ed eventually ordered 12 pounds of crawfish that were delivered in plastic bags. We ate them all in the middle of the street. Brian brought Silly String for every reason anyone ever used Silly String. ... There isn't one except for pure fun. Epic battles followed. Brian also brought over his mouse costume head. For the same reason as Silly String wars. Music played the whole time. Some songs we ... Well, Ryan danced along with. Some songs were sung along with. Some were just played in the background. The sun sunk lower and lower in the sky until finally the smiling faces were lit by streetlights. 

Once darkness overtook, people started going to bed. These people actually have jobs on Monday. I know! I've heard about such things. I dragged Brian to the Yumway. I knew it was my last night with him. So we sat and talked for a few hours. We met Jared there. Jared and I bonded over his music choice of country. Brian was quickly subjected to our singing. Finally, I decided to call it a night early since we had an early train to catch in the morning.

Looking back on this month in China, I've seen some amazing things. I've seen works of art that managed to survive trial and tribulation. I've seen structures that withstood the test of time. Scenery that could impress anyone. But that's not what made this trip amazing. Exploring Yu Gardens in the rain is only exciting when you're laughing about it with your brother and aunt. Playing pool in the upper room of the Boxing Cat is only fun when the people you're with make conversations about politics, Spanish, or March Madness wonderful. Being introduced to little towns in Southern China is only intriguing when you're with friends who are overflowing with knowledge and a caring attitude. Baked fish, rolling dice, Baiju, card games late into the night are only important because of the people you're with. Late nights in Ningbo don't compare to the conversations with a newfound lifelong friend. The Great Wall of China is amazing. But the inside jokes Dave and I now have because of watching a high school group try to climb the wall easily surpass the greatness. The Terra-cotta soldiers are unimaginable and astounding. But I'd quickly trade hours there in exchange for the hours I had talking with Ellen in the mornings over a cup of coffee. Traveling the world with your brother... Man, do I need to say more? Unbeatable. 

I've had some amazing... Fantastic... Phenomenal moments on this trip. But not one of them compares to the people I spent them with. I may forget how certain aspects of the Great Wall looked, or details about the Terra-cotta soldiers, or how cute the pandas are... Okay, not the last one! I may forget those parts, but I won't forget how I felt with the people in China. The world only matters because of the people living in it. Thank you all. You helped make this an unforgettable month. And now? The adventure continues.